Is coronavirus intelligent?

Photo by Edwin Hooper

COVID-19 is something more than a virus. COVID-19 is an intelligent being.

How do we know that? From the experts. I’ll make it simple for you: whatever the experts say, it is the science. And the science is the truth.

So now, what do the experts say about COVID-19 and its intelligence?

Let’s start from First Minister of Wales, Mark Drakeford. He says:

“The evidence suggests COVID-19 is moving from east to west across the UK and across Wales”.

No doubt First Minister of Wales, an expert himself, acquired that information from other experts. Therefore, whatever he says is double science, and he says that the COVID-19 has a sense of direction and knows geography. It has a strategy. And strategy is something that only intelligence is capable of.

We also know that the virus is nocturnal. It kills during the night. In Europe right now going out during the night is strongly discouraged, limited or illegal. When the sun sets the restaurants must stop serving food, shops must be closed and people should go home. The experts must have realized by now that COVID-19 starts the hunt when the night comes. The beast is clearly intelligent, no doubt about it. A regular virus wouldn’t care.

Also, consider this: when you enter a restaurant you have to wear a mask. But when you sit down and start eating, you don’t need the mask any more. What does it tell you about the virus? According to professionals (who are trustworthy, because they are the experts) who thought of those regulations, we are safe when we eat. It’s just the road from the door to the table, that is dangerous.

The virus either hates when people eat, suffers from misophonia or attacks only those who walk. None of those explanations make any sense if the virus was merely a submicroscopic infectious agent that replicates inside the living cells of an organism. But if you realize that COVID-19 is intelligent, it all suddenly makes perfect sense.

Also it makes sense to lock down gyms and swimming pools. Apparently COVID-19 is a nerd and he hates people who train a lot. He attacks them more often than those who are fat and that’s why experts set the rules for our own good. Let us get fat and lazy, it protects us.

The same goes for people who like to drink. You must have guessed by now that the coronavirus has strong sense of morality and attacks those who like to go for a drink. Closing pubs and banning alcohol in entire Europe is the right answer to that fact. It’s clear that the virus is something more than just a virus, if it can tell the difference between a guy who drinks at 6pm and 10pm, if it gets you if you get drunk in a pub but leaves you alone if you drink vodka at home.

Stay fat and drink alone. It protects you from COVID.

I’m sure you get the point. All those bizarre, absurd, illogical coronavirus regulations out there are in fact very wise solutions once you realize one simple fact: COVID-19 is intelligent.

Therefore, do not listen to scientist and doctors, like those who have signed Great Barrington Declaration. Even though they are thousands of respected unknowledgeable people, they are simply misled. They would be right, if it was just a virus. But it’s not. It’s a person.

Think about it. If the virus was not intelligent, would all those clever people in all those democratic governments have invented such stupid regulations? Seriously, would smoking be fully accepted during respiratory virus pandemic while drinking was banned? Does it make any sense to you? Would they all destroy economy, burden future generations with more debt than during both World Wars combined, generate unemployment on a global scale and make everyone to stay as weak as possible? Would they praise staying at home, getting drunk, fat and depressed as good for your health, while banning going out, exercising in gyms and swimming?

Yes they would — if the virus was intelligent!

It must be! It simply must, it’s the only explanation. Either that, or we are ruled by complete morons. Which we know is impossible. Science can never be wrong, and whatever experts on TV say is the science. If this doesn’t convince you remember that governments always, or at least since 1984, act wisely and listen only to the most reasonable people. And if that doesn’t convince you either, remember that whatever Facebook or Google ban as false, must be false indeed.

It’s obvious the virus is intelligent.

We still don’t know everything about the COVID-19. But my bet is that the coronavirus is an intelligent species from outer space. Those virus-resembling little people prefer to live during the night, hate alcohol, don’t like sounds of people eating, but they don’t mind smoking. Also, we know that their preferable strategy of attack in Great Britain is going from the east to the west. They have different strategy in different countries. They must have been planning it for years.

Oh, and the most important: they have masklophobia — a psychological fear of masks. It happens. Some are freaked out by clowns (coulrophobia), some by spiders. COVID-19 simply hates the masks.

That’s why the scientific people have decided that wearing a mask is a solution to everything.

So what should we do now?

I say we negotiate! The COVID-19 are intelligent beings, after all. Let’s give them what they want, I say. They seem to be reasonable, so far. Consider this: they have been killing mostly those of us who are old and sick already. It’s true, sometimes they pick someone young and healthy. Probably those who drink or exercise, or eat a dinner after 10pm.

Still, I’m sure there is room for compromise here.

And if not, we should still try to talk to COVID. I’d even go further: let’s pray to it!

Too far? I don’t think so. Most people here in United Kingdom stopped singing praises to God, because of obeying COVID-19 regulations. I think experts discovered that COVID-19 is atheist, so they don’t want people in churches to sing to God. Churches agree.

But maybe some godly people miss singing praises? And since they’ve so easily changed praising and obeying God to praising and obeying government, maybe they wouldn’t mind making one more change? It’s all for the safety of all of us, after all.

Churches seem not to care who they obey, as long as they obey someone. So how about COVID? Come on, pray to COVID, people, sing for COVID. Maybe it will go away and leave us alone. Maybe it will be merciful.

I won’t just you, I’m afraid, I take my Christianity seriously. But hey, everybody picks his own god. Who am I to judge? Still, I want to help, so right now I’m building a machine to communicate in English with our new Lord and Master, and as soon as it’s ready, I’ll let you know.

Meanwhile, obey the rules, no matter how stupid and paranoid they seem. Because we are dealing with intelligent being here. And it doesn’t serve anyone to irritate him further.

We’ve done too much harm shopping without masks all those centuries before the science told us it’s wrong and dangerous.

Hallowed be the science and its prophets! Praise be to COVID! Stay scared.


Is coronavirus intelligent? was originally published in Completely Unprofessional on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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