COVID-19 Causes Mortality

You probably did not know that, but humans used to be immortal.

I’ve only learned about it few months ago, when a new virus spread out and people started to die.

Yes: they started to die. Because apparently they had never died before.

No wonder people all around the planet are screaming for a total lockdown. No wonder they prefer to lose their jobs, lose their friends and family, alienate their neighbors and let the economy fall to pieces. For an immortal person the vision of dying must be absolutely terrifying. I understand it now.

You won’t believe how many times I’ve read in internet comments like this one:

I really hope the government doesn’t stop the lockdown until we are all completely safe.

That’s exactly how I know that humans used to be immortal. As you can see, before COVID-19 they were completely safe. And now they are not. However there is also good news: the government has the power to make life completely safe again. How? I don’t know. I’m too stupid to answer that question. Few days ago I didn’t even know that humans were immortal, and you’re asking me “how”?

I can only guess: it’s probably magic.

Money in the gutter, Venezuela, July 2019

It’s the same sort of magic that makes governments give away unbelievable amounts of money, so people can get rich without working to buy stuff which they don’t produce. I only wonder why they didn’t think of it before. Why did we have to work? We could have all just take the money, spend it and relax. Praise the government and its magic!

It’s by that magic that Zimbabwe and Venezuela, having printed and given away tons of money, are right now so rich and happy. Their citizens posses so much money they literally throw it away on the streets! You can pick it from the streets and get rich in an instant!

It’s the gift of magic from the democratic government to us.

And so is the lockdown. By magic we will be soon totally and completely safe again, with no danger whatsoever. And we will live forever. Just as it used to be, back in the days when no deadly viruses existed.

So keep repeating “stay safe” right and left. As a reminder of the world of immortality, where it was actually possible to stay safe. As a promise that this world will come again. We will be completely safe again. We will once again be immortal.

But have hope! It’s not as bad as it seems! Have you forgotten that if you don’t get COVID-19 these days, you are still immortal? Oh yes, you are! I’ve seen it in the news all around the world: during the pandemic people die only from the coronavirus! There are no other deaths of any sort and there are no other dangers of any kind.

So stay safe, put your mask on, don’t leave your house, don’t work, don’t get dirty and relax, because there are no other problems in the world except COVID-19 and you are immortal!

Except when you get infected.

Then you will die. Well, the chance of death is about 0.05% (500 mortals per million immortals), so it seems like nothing. But remember: for an immortal every chance of death is enormous!

If people were mortal they wouldn’t mind that risk, as it adds only slightly more risk to all the other dangers of there: cancer, flu, heart attack, robbery, car accidents, diarrhea and thousands of others.

But as I explained before: people clearly must have been immortal before the coronavirus. Nothing else explains what is happening.

Therefore the mass hysteria makes perfect sense and is commendable. Yes sir, let’s panic. Now is the time to be scared to death. Let’s destroy the world to save our immortality, because it’s a simple calculation of cost and gain. It’s it worth to give up every joy of life to enjoy that life forever?

Let’s call it new normal. Because old normal, where happiness was the key, is unacceptable. Happy life is way too risky. New normal means miserable life forever.

So, under new normal paradigm of life, I wish you miserable life forever.

Stay completely safe.

Stay immortal.


COVID-19 Causes Mortality was originally published in Completely Unprofessional on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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